SHORT SHOTS Ride the Pendulum Today marks the 35th anniversary of Canadian street magician turned hard rocker, Ony Kipps release of his album, "Ride the Sexual Pendulum". You'll recall that it was pulled from shelves after 4 separate listeners, covered themselves in vaseline and disappeared into the Toronto's sewer system. Oni himself, retired from both magic and music in 1982 halfway through his follow up, "Neuter the Wise". He went on to make a killing in the stock market on wheat and later this hour will be with us live from the Cayman Islands to show us his big boat that helps him get laid even in his twilight years. But now Margaruite Danforth-Jefferson will tell us about regional sports. Margaruite.... *************************************** The Reverend gives permission. "What is it Alderman, you're looking at me funny!" "Reverend I think the congregation has decided you might need to move onto a new flock." "But Kirk, I love it here, attendance is up, donations..." "Yes Reverend, all true, but.." "But?" "I'm afraid that as liberal as our church is, well, these late night funeral parlor shenanigans of yours..." "Oh that, that's just a little fun." "Reverend it's not just fun. I don't think even a semi-civilized people would perform those....acts." "Fine asshole, your loss, I don't need this dirtbag church anyway. I can preach like Picasso paints, like Mozart played the organ. I don't need any of you milquetoast, sheep. If you want to know the gods..." "The gods..?." "I meant god and you know it. Let's just say there are ways to make contact with the older ones and it ain't sitting in a golf shirt and slacks singing "In the Garden" for the four-hundredth time. Good luck finding a pastor that can do it like I do it. " "No hard feelings rev." "Go screw. I'm out." _________________________________________ the hippy "It was a hippy Sheriff. A horrible awful hippy. I was laying on the divan watching Pat and Vanna, Someone had just solved the puzzle with the phrase "When in Rome". Anyway Sheriff I was enjoying the sweet Spring breeze when all of a sudden this horrible hippy head with long brown hair, a purple bandana- style headband and a dirty moustache pushed through the windswept lavendar curtains. He flashed the peace sign but then mouthed the words "I hate you very much" and the peace sign was rotated and halved into, you know 'the finger'. I know what that means. I got up immediately and went to the bedroom closet to get Little Butchy my ventriloquist dummy so I could, you know, club the hippy to death by beating Butchy against his skull. But he must have been carrying his own dummy because I found him out in my lawnmower shed and he'd already like you know, beaten himself to death with his own dummy. I didn't find his dummy but I'll bet it was a hippy too and twice as dirty as Little Butchy. Would you like some mints Sheriff?" _________________________--- honest money do you want to make some honest money or what? _______________________________________- monkey party monkey party a feast monkey party festival of beasts monkey party food and drink at the temple do not think sunrise sun it set monkey party best one yet. _______________________ "It's obvious detective. The pie stealer was at the open window lifting away the cooling apple pie when the window peeper approached to look over his shoulder at Mrs. Sanchez. The pie stealer assumed the peeper was not a peeper but instead a rival pie stealer who wanted the pie for himself. The pie stealer then picked up the garden shears by this mulberry bush and slashed the peeper's throat. The peeper bled out here on the sandbox and all over the mulberry bush. The pie stealer then escaped north through the hedges. See here, pie filling on the shrub leaves." "I guess he had it coming." "These pie stealers, they don't mess around. I've been on the force 22 years. They love pie. And a pie stolen from a quaint window sill where it is cooling, as much of a trope as that may be makes the pie all the sweeter to them." "Do they get off on it?" "No. The peeper might get off on peeping, but for these pie stealers, it's strictly appetite and thrill driven. Non-sexual." "Goddamn. My lord." "I know son, it's a sick world." "Have you ever run into a combo. You know a peeper who also likes to steal pies?" "Since you asked, here have a Lucky Strike and let me tell you about Ambrose Wilton. I arrested him back in 1999, and he was such a man as you asked about. In fact it was his desire to stay and peep once he had the pie in hand that led to his capture." "Lord..."